


My boyfriend went to an alien planet, and all he got me was a lousy . . .

by Soraya (soraya2004)



Series: My Boyfriend [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-19
Updated: 2005-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-14 19:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/152712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soraya2004/pseuds/Soraya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a routine trading mission, McKay encounters one of his worst nightmares</p>
            </blockquote>





	My boyfriend went to an alien planet, and all he got me was a lousy . . .

"Holy shit!"

"Oh, yeah!"

And Rodney froze in front of the stargate, heart pounding and hands sweating.

***

Minutes before stepping through the gate, the universe had made a strange kind of sense to him. He'd always had a healthy sense of self preservation; growing up with a constitution as finely balanced as his, it was practically a necessity considering all the things on Earth that were out to get him. But, since coming to the Pegasus galaxy, his fears had expanded to include vampire aliens, genetically engineered alien viruses and a whole list of other potential alien dangers on alien worlds that he didn't know about yet.

It helped that he trusted Teyla. They all relied on her to suggest planets where they had a good chance of making new allies. And with the exception of the Genii, she hadn't really let them down. So, he had put his fears to one side, the way he always did before starting each mission, and he'd walked through the stargate flanked by Ronon and John with Teyla on point.

On the other side, Rodney took one look at the landscape and his feet came to a screeching halt. "Holy shit!" he whispered.

"Oh, _yeah_!" That happy little growl came from Ronon.

John stood beside him with his mouth hanging open. "Teyla, have you been holding out on us?"

"I do not understand what you mean, Colonel," she answered smoothly.

"Sure you don't!" John drawled.

Rodney scowled at both of them, and silently, he agreed on behalf of the whole team that they could never ever trust Teyla again, because anyone who could do this to their friends was definitely not to be trusted.

"Ignore him, Teyla," Ronon said, pushing past John to get to Teyla. He was grinning so hard it had to hurt, and frankly Rodney found the answering smirk on Teyla's face just as disturbing. "By the way," Ronon added, casually throwing an arm round her shoulders. "In case I forget to tell you later, I really enjoyed this mission."

***

Had Lieutenant Ford been with them, Rodney knew he would probably have tried to re-name the planet 'Modelia', or something equally stupid like 'Planet of the Redheaded Supermodels'. John, team-leader and poet extra-ordinaire, went for, "It's the Playboy planet," using the hushed tones of a man walking on sacred ground.

Oh, they definitely needed to find Ford, Rodney thought, glaring at John, and sooner rather than later.

Following Teyla, he made his way toward the hordes of Eleri women waiting to meet them. And, literally, there were hundreds of them, all of them tall, willowy women with long legs and absurdly large breasts, all wearing diaphanous mini-toga dresses that left nothing to the imagination. And as he watched their excited giggling, and the way they bounced up and down, filling the air around them with perfume and varying shades of auburn hair, a thought so terrifying occurred to him that it stopped him in his tracks right in front of Ronon.

"Keep it moving, Doc!"

"No, no, wait, you don't understand," Rodney told him, trying to explain.

But it was pointless as he was already talking to Ronon's back, then to John's back, both whom had just stepped around him to continue following Teyla like obedient little dogs. After that, he was running to catch up, then running to keep up. And he kept looking round frantically, scanning the crowd running with them, searching high and low, and, no, still absolutely no blondes in sight!

"Oh my God, this is like my all-time worst nightmare!" Rodney said bitterly. Not one single blonde, and how, on planet Playboy, was that even possible? "It's just wrong," he complained again, panting heavily. "So incredibly wrong!" Then he had to stop complaining altogether because he needed every available breath to survive the endless running.

***

Finally, they stopped in front of the Eleri senate building, where another group of redheaded women waited for them. By the time Rodney got his breath back and his thoughts had moved beyond 'oh, thank *God*' to 'what kind of hell *is* this', Teyla had already stepped forward to handle the introductions.

"Greetings, Ariel _Elerion_ ," she said, touching foreheads and slowly brushing her chest against that of the woman with the largest breasts there.

"Greetings, Teyla _Athosion_ ," Ariel replied warmly, brushing back. "Long have we missed your grace and wisdom in our lands."

"Indeed, it has been many moons," Teyla confirmed.

She arranged for herself and John to meet privately with Ariel's council to start the trade negotiations. In fact, Teyla did pretty much all of the talking from that point onward since neither John nor Ronon seemed capable of speech after the breast-rubbing thing. And when Ariel called John over with a graceful flick of her wrist, Rodney looked on with a mounting sense of horror as John abandoned him with no more resistance than a blushing: "Hey, Ladies, how are you doing?"

Within seconds, John was surrounded by several chiffon-clad non-blondes. And there was a lot of giggling, followed by forehead touching and some pornographically slow chest bumping.

Absolute fucking hell!

***

During the negotiations, Rodney and Ronon did many useful things with their time, the most useful of which was watching the Eleri women play their version of volleyball. Rodney also developed some viable theories on the local diet, which he suspected might actually have big-breasted redhead inducing properties. The idea that a technologically advanced society entirely full of incredibly hot women could evolve peacefully—well, the statistical anomalies alone were off the scale! Not to mention the missing blonde situation, which was just plain wrong.

So Rodney gathered samples from the buffet to take back to Atlantis to test on Zelenka, and he definitely did not think about what John was doing all alone in a room full of incredibly hot women. Yes, he was handling *that* part very well. Until John emerged from the negotiations looking flushed and a little cross-eyed after yet again bumping chests with Ariel.

***

"Okay, what is that?" Rodney demanded.

He'd caught up with John at the town square, with every intention of being cool about the breast rubbing in a manly locker-room sort of way, only to get spectacularly thrown by the brightly decorated gift bag John was holding.

John must have correctly figured out this was dangerous territory because he took a step back. "I'm not sure," he replied cautiously.

"Oh, please!" Rodney snapped, feeling anxious and more than a little punch drunk from having his head slammed repeatedly into his fear that John would accidentally trip over some alien supermodel and have sex with her. It was one of those fears he'd never admitted out loud, certainly not to John, and he certainly wasn't about to start now. So he crossed his arms and he said, "You must know, you were asking for it."

"Excuse me?" John cocked his head to one side, like he was having trouble hearing. "What did you say?"

"You heard me!" And even though Rodney was fairly sure they hadn't reached the stage in their relationship where homicidal jealousy was just another one of his endearing quirks, he kept on talking. "Colonel, may I remind you that these women are incredibly hot," he said, completely ignoring the warning glare John gave him. "And it is a universally acknowledged fact that every incredibly hot woman is more than a little telepathic. Believe me, I know!" Because how many times had he sat in front of a hot woman, saying absolutely _nothing_ about what he was _really_ thinking, only to have her slap him anyway? "Which means," he continued, "that Ariel probably wouldn't have given that to you if somehow you weren't asking for it."

"McKay—" John took a deep breath, clearly trying to control himself. "Rodney, I wasn't asking for anything!"

Rodney sniffed, lifting his chin. "Well, it certainly looked that way," he persisted.

"Then try paying more attention!" John said under his breath, eyes flicking pointedly at his shoulder.

Rodney glanced over his shoulder to see Ronon coming up behind him. And, before either of them could say anything else, Ronon had stepped between them, grabbed the bag, and like an impatient child, who couldn't wait for his parents' permission before opening presents, he'd reached inside and pulled out its contents.

"It looks like a necklace," Ronon offered helpfully.

"Huh!" Rodney agreed, nodding.

John snatched it back. "It's *not* a necklace," he said, ears bright red.

Ronon shrugged, obviously not convinced.

Neither was Rodney, though he did feel marginally less threatened. "Still," he reached out, letting his fingers run over the beaded chain. "You have to admit our resident jewellery expert does have a point."

John gave him a betrayed look.

"What?" Rodney asked him, confused. Then he glanced at Ronon, who had also started glaring at him. "*What*? You *do* wear a lot of jewellery for a guy."

"Something wrong with that?" Ronon growled.

"No, no, nothing at all!" Rodney gulped, taking a step back. "It's all obviously home made, and very fashionable, tasteful even, and possibly quite, uh, bohemian in a very manly kind of way," he added hurriedly, because Ronon still hadn't stopped scowling. "That, on the other hand," he continued, pointing at John's necklace. "That definitely looks like a string of pearls my grandmother would have worn."

"Hey!" John pulled them away, outraged. "Okay, maybe if she liked her pearls the size of golf balls," he admitted grudgingly. "But, for the last time, Rodney, this is not a necklace!" He held the chain up at both ends, turning it from side to side as if expecting to find some magic label, which could explain what it was. "If it were, it would be a manly necklace like Ronon's, but it isn't."

"Indeed it is not," Teyla told all of them. Striding up to John, she pulled his arms down and she said, "Colonel Sheppard, you should not be displaying Ariel's gift to you and Dr. McKay so prominently."

Rodney perked up at the mention of his name. "Whoa, that's for me too?" he asked.

"Yeah!" John confirmed.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, I was going to, but then you—"

"Please, Colonel," Teyla interrupted him, and everything about her seemed to exude powerful ' _put that away now_ ' vibes. "For the Eleri, such gifts are meant to be enjoyed and discussed only in private." She tipped her head toward another group of Eleri, who had gathered not too far from the square and who were watching them with wide-eyed and open-mouthed levels of interest.

It took Rodney less than a minute to figure out why.

***

"So," he said, falling into step with John on their way back to the gate. "Apparently, we're trading for sex toys now? Because I'm pretty sure you're the only one who went to *that* meeting."

" _Jesus_ , will you keep your voice down?" John glared at him. "And, no, it's not a sex toy either!" he insisted.

"Of course it is!" Rodney said, dismissing John's objections with a wave of his hand. And, something else about Ariel suddenly occurred to him. "Wait a minute, how did she know about us?"

"Gee, Rodney, I don't know, maybe she's telepathic!" John muttered.

"Oh, shut up!"

"You first!"

Rodney huffed, though he did stop talking. After a while, he started thinking more rationally about the Eleri, about their strange women-only customs and the way they had reacted to him and to Ronon, even to John. It took him another couple of minutes to put it all together. And, _great_ , no wonder, John wasn't taking him seriously. "They weren't hitting on you at all, were they?" he realised, feeling like an idiot.

"No," John said easily. "Actually, they were all pretty much just into Teyla!" He gave Rodney a wry smile, and the sight of it did a lot to ease the anxiety Rodney had been feeling since meeting the Eleri. "Though, I have to admit," John whispered, so only they could hear. "It was really cool watching her handle all those women all by herself."

"You mean—" Rodney's eyes widened. And John nodded. And within seconds Rodney had gone to his happy place, where incredibly hot women wanted to roll around naked in edible foodstuffs and touch themselves and make out with each other in front of him. After that, John literally had to take him by the arm and frog-march him until he displayed signs of higher brain function.

"You okay now?" John asked him when he'd recovered. "Because, for a moment there, I thought we'd lost you."

Rodney sniffed, but he accepted the gentle teasing with a smile. They had almost arrived at the gate, and Teyla was far ahead dialling Atlantis, while Ronon walked the perimeter. The hand that had pulled him along slid briefly to his nape, cupping it gently before moving away. Rodney looked up to find John smiling at him, eyes soft and still mildly amused.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing much!" John gestured vaguely at the gift bag. "I was just thinking that we'll never really know for sure what that thing does."

"Actually, I have a pretty good idea," Rodney replied.

"You do?" John raised an eyebrow, looking sceptical.

"Well, in theory anyway," Rodney admitted. He thought about the opalescent beads, about their size and weight and the faint little hum they'd made when he'd touched them. "Of course, since we've established that it is, in fact, a sex toy, they have to be some sort of pleasure bead! Which means you probably have to insert them up—"

"Rodney!"

And, okay, ' _voice down_ ', Rodney got that message loud and clear. Then, to his surprise, John started giving him furtive little glances and John's ears had gone bright red, the way they always did when John was either embarrassed or extremely turned on. And—

" _Oh_ ," Rodney said very softly, and he stared at John, flustered and a little uncertain. "So, maybe we could—" Rodney tugged nervously at his collar. "I could, maybe, show you later?" He threw it out there as casually as he knew how.

John wouldn't look at him at all after that, and Rodney's steps faltered. So John bumped into him, and they almost went through the gate on their asses. But, as far as Rodney was concerned, that was okay because they made it through in one piece, stumbling together and holding on tight.

 

The End.


End file.
